Client Poems

The Detox Song

The girlfriend booked me a little holiday

Said I would love it, then asked me to pay

She promised that it would make me feel great

There was a chance I could  even loose some weight

So I thought why not, what could I loose,

It would be good to have a break from coffee and the booze
In the morning I had this oil to sluice

And for breakfast lunch and tea just juice

We’ve had red ones, orange ones, green ones too

It’s made me spend a lot of time in the loo

And I’ve had every different kind of herbal tea

But all it does is make me want to pee

In the bathroom, there was this board that was blue

I had to prop it up between a chair and the loo

So I lay on it and let the water flow

I closed my eyes and just let go

I couldn’t believe what came out of my arse

No wonder I was then late for my yoga class

I was feeling pretty hungry and looking forward to dinner

Thought after all this juice it would be a real winner

Maybe an organic feast with nice quiches and bread

But I just couldn’t believe what we had instead

A mug  of brown broth is all that came our way

Not exactly five stars at Egon Ronay
So after a week I’m now feeling pretty good

Don’t know if now I’ll be able to lay off the puds

Can I keep it up? Well we’ll just have to see

It’s been a very interesting emotional journey

I’m sure I’ll now be more healthy and lean

Thanks to Anna and the vital  detox team

Peter Crutchfield


On Glastonbury Tor

An old man lived on Glastonbury Tor

Grumpy, mean near bent to his knees.

A day arrived he could not be seen.

People gossiped ‘have you seen him’? ‘where can be be?’

Anna walking found him curled up

‘What is the matter? she asked concerned.

He groaned ‘My gut, my back, my knees.’

Gathering him up ‘I’ll take you to the retreat.’

A few coloma’s and herbal teas

Green juices to heal his knees.

The frail old may stayed a while

Gaining in Health and Vitality.


Before he left he blessed the Team

Then disappeared from view.

From his lofty perch  he sang with joy

‘Vital Detox is the answer I was searching for.’

The grumpy old man is no more

Making friends of those who walk the Tor.

Telling all those he meets

‘Vital Detox is the best of retreats.


Bee Payne

The Colema King

my friend Jamie he’s the colema king

yet when he first got here he didn’t fancy that thing

“its the putting it in my arse” he said he didn’t like

now he loves  it, just like riding a bike

he’s been doing one in the morning and one in the night

he really must have been full of just shite

every time i see him he just gets brighter than ever

i hope he doesn’t ruin his arsehole forever

i think he’d do one at the airport if he could

just for old times sake though thats understood

he’s going back home as a renewed bloke

he’s not even gonna do that shit he used to smoke

he’s sending his wife next year so she can enjoy that thing 

maybe she will become Mrs Colema King


David Bignell